


Jazz Cigarettes

by GodIsZombie



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, DCU, DCU (Comics)
Genre: Batbrothers (DCU), Batfamily (DCU), Brotherly Bonding, Domestic Batfamily (DCU), Fluff and Humor, Funny, Other, Recreational Drug Use, Teenage Dorks, Teenage Rebellion
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:47:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23676355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GodIsZombie/pseuds/GodIsZombie
Summary: Colin and Damian decide to partake in a little teenage rebellion while they have the manor more or less to themselves.
Relationships: Damian Wayne & Colin Wilkes, Tim Drake & Dick Grayson & Jason Todd & Bruce Wayne & Damian Wayne, Tim Drake & Dick Grayson & Jason Todd & Damian Wayne
Comments: 33
Kudos: 133





	1. A Very Amused Man of Steel

"Hey Dami! I ran into Gar while I was on that school trip and you'll never believe what- OH SHI-" Colin yelped as he came running into the batcave. Very nearly colliding face first into Batman's chest. "I mean... hello there. Mr. Batman. Sir."

"Colin." Colin gulped and pulled the worn messenger bag he was wearing around his neck and shoulders a little closer to himself. Well that was certainly suspicious.

"I uh... didn't... think you were going to be here. Dami said you had a space... thing."

Bruce narrowed his eyes behind the cowl. Very suspicious. He had raised enough kids to know the teenager was ploting something nefarious. Not that Colin was particularly subtle. "I was just leaving." He said slowly, still blocking the entrance into the training section of the cave where his youngest was practicing a particularly challenging flip Dick had been showing off lately. His headphones were in and blaring some sort of angry teenage music at an ungodly volume. He hadn't noticed his friend yet. Which was good. Not for Damian's future hearing, but it gave Bruce a second to scrutinize the other boy. 

"Oh! That's good! I mean, not good. Mr Batman. Just good for... space crime. It's not, not going to fight itself. Ya know? So it's good. That you are. Going to fight I mean. Fighting the old space... evil. "

Great. Bruce thought. It's going to be something big. He can feel a headache forming behind his eyes already. "Any particular reason you might want me out of the manor Colin?" He asked, pointedly looking down at the boy's bag. 

The boy giggled nervously and all but hid the bag behind himself, "Leave? What? Me? No!"

The dark knight sighed. At least his children seemed to always make friends with the absolute worst liars he had ever seen. It made things easier. Bruce opened his mouth to continue the interrogation, but was cut off by Damian who seemed to have finally noticed the interaction happening behind him. 

"Colin, I didn't think you planned on coming until later. Why are you talking to my father?"

The distinctive sound of a zeta tube echoed throughout the cave and a second later a mechanical voice announced superman's arrival. "Hey Bruce, the others sent me to get you. The shuttle's leaving."

Colin looked incredibly relieved, Damian seemed confused, and batman officially no longer had time to mitigate whatever disaster Abuse and his youngest were clearly about commit. He scrubbed his hands over his face in pure frustration and quickly glanced around the cave looking for any last minute solution. And thankfully he found one curled up in front the main computer terminal. It wasn't exactly ideal, but desperate times and all that.

"Tim!" The very top of the boy's head poked around the edge of his chair, looking bleary eyed and mildly annoyed.

"Yeah B?"

"You're in charge of watching your brother and his friend while I'm gone."

Damian's face instantly shifted from mild confusion to pure indignant rage, "father! I am 15! We are not children who must be watched! This is an outrage!"

At the same time Tim sneered around the edge of his chair and started shouting, "I am not watching the demon are you kidding me?! I have a life! You can't just-"

"Enough!" Bruce's voice boomed, easily drowning out the two boys. "Colin and Damian are clearly planning something and I don't have the time to deal with it. So you WILL watch your brother and keep him out of trouble or you WILL be just as responsible for whatever damage they cause. And you two WILL be on your very best behaviors or I promise you I will adopt Colin just so that I can properly punish him. And Damian you will wish you were still living at one of your mother's compounds. Do I make myself clear?!"

The entire room, with the exception of superman who was doing his very best to hide his smile behind his hand, silently nodded. 

"Good! I love you, do not burn down the manor. Alfred will be back from vacation late tomorrow, I left pizza money in the second informal dining room. Let's go Clark." Batman stocked towards the zeta tubes beaming himself up to the watchtower, with a giggling Superman hot on his heels.

Tim and Damian glared at each other from across the cave for several long angry minutes. Long enough that Colin was gearing up to transform, just in case a fight broke out. Not that he particularly wanted to. Getting in the middle of a fight between bats never turned out well for the mediator. And besides that he was wearing one of his favorite shirts and it would be a real shame to rip it. But just as the tension was ramping up to nearly unbearable levels Tim huffed dramatically and turned back to the computer screen. 

"Can you two do whatever it is you're going to do without B catching you?"

"What do you mean? We're not going to do any-" Colin started before Tim quickly interrupted him. 

"Damian?"

"Tt, of course. What do you take me for Drake? Some kind of armature?"

"Then I don't care. As long as you don't get me in trouble I won't get you in trouble. Go do whatever it is you're going to do and stay out of my way."

"Gladly. Do you even remember the last time you bathed? Your smell alone will give you all the personal space you require, I assure you."

"Ok! Let's not push our luck!" Colin quickly cut in, trying to stop the argument before it could really start. He loved his best friend, he did, but sometimes he really wished Dami would just take a win gracefully. And yeah, Red Robin was looking a little greasy. And a little like he hadn't really left that chair in a week, but Damian didn't have to mention it! At least not to his face. "Thanks Tim, good seeing you! We'll be good!" He smiled as he grabbed Damian's arm and dragged him out of the cave and up into the manor proper. They had more important things to focus on and Colin wasn't about to waste any more time.

Tim watched the younger boys bolt up the stairs towards the clock, arm in arm. Then slowly, oh so slowly, he raised his arm. And with a quick glance around the cave to make sure he was still alone, Tim sniffed his armpit. And immediately regretted it. Damian was an asshole of the highest order, but he might have a point. It had been a while. Maybe he would grab a quick shower after this report...


	2. Beastboy is a Pothead

Colin didn't let go of Damian's arm until they were safely in his friend's bedroom with the door firmly locked. He dramatically put his hands over his still racing heart and breathing out a long sigh. "Oh my God D that was so close!"

He turned back to his friend and smiled at his look of fond amusement. As soon as Damian caught him looking however he very quickly schooled his expression into something more stoic and crossed his arms across his chest. Colin was sure that, had he been most anyone else, it would have come across as intimidating. "What was close? What are you planning?"

Colin only smiled wider. Darting closer to his friend to poke him teasingly in the ribs. "Oh no! You can't pretend like I didn't just catch you smiling."

Damian dodged the poke with his arms still crossed, trying his best to remain stern. "Don't be ridiculous. You're highly annoying." He muttered, the smile slipping back into his face despite his best efforts to tamp it down. 

"Nuh-uhhhhh! Can't just pretend like I didn't see! You think I'm cool."

"T-t I think you're insufferable."

"You love me."

"Utterly impossible." Damian's facade had entirely cracked. An obvious grin spreading across his face. 

"We're friends and you like it!" Colin answered in a song song voice. He went in for another poke to the ribs and this time Damian dodged by flipping himself backwards and landing onto his bed with a soft oof.

Colin couldn't help but be proud. Damian had come so far in the years since they first met. He was so much less angry and ridged now. So much more human. So much happier. Still very much Damian, but Colin figured that part was pretty good too.

"Alright. Tell me what you're hiding." Damian demanded once he had properly gotten comfortable on the bed. Seamlessly settling back into his usual hauty tone. 

"Ok, ok. So you know how I went on that school trip to Jump City a couple of days ago? Well I ended up missing the bus going home. And I guess Miss Shultz was chaperoning my bus because she didn't notice I wasn't on yet on account of the..." They both raised up their arms and tilted their heads back in a drinking gesture. It was a well known fact that Miss Shultz always smuggled a flask into feildtrips with the older kids.

Colin chucked, "So I ended up kinda stranded. I tried calling Jon, but he was in the Fortress of Slitude I think. And I KNEW you were on that Clayface hunt with Dick. And I wasn't about to call any of the adults and get a lecture the entire way home. So I figured I'd try the zeta tubes in the titan tower. Ya know?"

Damian's eyes lit up with amusement, "Do the Titans know who you are?"

"Well... kinda. I've hung out with Gar a few times. And I've seen Starfire around with Jason and Dick."

Damian nodded surprised, "And here I thought you never left Gotham."

"Gotham's in my blood, she'll always be my home. But there are other places Damian."

"I wasnt aware you ever planned on seeing any of them. It's hard enough talking you into Metropolis."

"That's because it's Metropolis! The place doesn't even have a single blimp! It's fucking uncivilized. Whole city is an eyesore."

"They're dirigibles."

"They're important! And there's not a single one of them in fucking Metropolis."

"Of course Colin."

"And don't even get me started on their gargoyle situation."

"Yes Colin." Damian signed in a clearly patronizing tone. 

"But!" Colin suddenly exclaimed, as if he just now remembered the point of his rambling story. "Anyways, I got to hang out with Garfeild for a bit, and you'll never guess what he gave me when I left!"

Damian waited. Colin didn't say anything. "T-t What?" He huffed annoyed when it became clear the other boy wasn't planning on answering. 

"No, you have to guess." Colin almost whined.

"Colin."

"Dames."

The two glared at each other, unblinking for what felt like a solid minute. But eventually the red head lost the battle of wills. Giving in with an exasperated sigh. "Ok fine. Ruin my fun." He dug distractedly through his bag for a few seconds before pulling his hand back from its depths and proudly presenting Damian with... a crumpled, somewhat squished mess of tinfoil. "Ta-da!" He smiled, handing it over to his friends like it was a prize at the fair. 

Damian glanced down at the flat wad of tinfoil, then back up to Colin, then back to the tinfoil. Before very cautiously being to unwrap it. And immediately snorted. "A dessert? All this for a dessert? I thought it might be something more exciting. If that's all you wanted Grayson keeps a stash of sugary American garbage food under his-"

"Smell it."

"... Excuse me?"

"Just do it!" Colin giggles, flailing his arms out impatiently.

Damian eyed him suspiciously for several seconds before slowly leaning down to take a tentative sniff of the partially smushed brownie in his hands. "Is this a-"

"Yep!" Colin smiled, popping the p. "Gar gave me a pot brownie."

"Why?"

"To eat." The other boy looked downright devious now.

Damian only continued to stare, looking uncharacteristically unsure of himself. Eyes occasionally flitting down to the brownie in his hand before snapping back up to his friend. Colin's smile instantly lost most of its confidence. "Only if you want to D. Seriously, no pressure. We don't have to do anything if you-"

"I," damian jumped in loudly. He caught himself almost immediately. Lowering his voice with a slight blush over his initial outburst. "I didn't say that I wasn't... interested."

"So?"

"I've never...."

"Me neither Dami. That's why I brought it here. I thought maybe we could... you know. Try it together. But only if you want to too."

"Hmmm." Damian intoned. He was certainly interested in a new experience. But still. 

"Want to hear something funny?" Colin cut in, essentially interrupting his brooding before it had even gotten a chance to start. "Gar said him and Dick used to smoke weed all the time when they were younger. I can't see it you know? But Gar said Dick used to be a straight up pot head. His words."

That lit a fire behind Damian's. "How much are we supposed to eat for the desired effects?"

Colin's brows creased, "um. He said to have just a corner of it. Then wait for a bit cause it takes a few minutes when it's in food."

Both boys looked excited now, the thrill of doing something new and against the rules running down their spines like static. "Ok." Damian said without any of his initial hesitation. "Let's begin."

~~~~●~~~~ 

It had been over ten minutes since they had eaten their respective bites of the frankly disgusting brownie. And Damian felt exactly the same. "Do you feel anything?"

"I don't, think so?" Colin sighed, looking up from his phone where he had been distractedly playing candy crush to kill time. "Do you?"

"No. Nothing."

"Maybe, maybe we need more?" Colin asked hesitantly. "I mean, it would make sense right? I'm kind of a meta. And you're like, Damian Wayne. Our tolerance has to be like, naturally way high right?"

Damian considered his friend. Colin did make a good point. It seemed reasonable given the lack of any tangible effect. And having a little more certainly couldn't hurt. Right? "Alright. Shall we have the same amount as before?"

"Maybe a little more. Just to be safe?"

Damian shrugged agreeing easily. He sat up and broke off two larger chunks, handing one over to his waiting friend.

And on and on they went. Waiting ten minutes at a time before trying again. By the third and final round the brownie was nearly gone and both boys were more than a little frustrated. 

It would be well over an hour before the magnitude of their mistake caught up with them in full.


	3. Twinkies, Fountains, and Paranoia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I would have posted this one earlier but a squirrel had babies in my internet. Living in a rural mountain town can be weird.

Relaxed was not a word anyone, to his knowledge, had ever used to describe Damian. It wasn't even a word he'd ever used to describe himself. And yet Damian could, without a doubt, currently categorize himself as relaxed. Extremely so.

At some point, and he's not entirely sure when, he suddenly realized he was laying down on his bed rather than sitting on it. Lazily blinking up at his ceiling. Mind utterly blank. And despite a distinct lack of any conscious passage of time, Damian had the feeling he had been this way for quite a while. The thought struck him as unusually amusing. 

"Colin." He mumbled, half heartedly waving his hand in the general direction of the last place he remembered seeing his friend. 

"Hmmmm." 

"Colin." He tried again with absolutely no more force. 

"What is it Dames?" His friend replied, sounding just as dazed as Damian felt. 

"I think..." he took a second to organize his thoughts into word before continuing, "I think, I am experiencing some of the effects of the drug."

"Dude, yeah. That's, yeah. Me too."

"Its... dude?" Damian asked. Wanting very much to be incredulous, but finding it unusually difficult.

"Dude." Colin agreed calmly. 

And for some reason, Damian accepted that at face value. "This is... not entierly unpleasant." He said instead of arguing the point. 

"I like it too Dami."

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Both too busy reveling in the new feeling to carry the conversation any further. Eventually though Colin began to shift anxiously. Glancing around the room like he was looking for something. "Hey, uh. Dames?"

"Yes?"

"Your dad doesn't like. You know? I mean I know he's kind of a paranoid person."

Damian could hold back an amused snort. Surprising himself. "Kind of?"

Colin mercifully ignored his outburst. Continuing as if he hasn't been interrupted. "You don't think he has cameras or something around the manor do you?"

Damian considered the question for a moment before answering. "Yes. He absolutely has cameras throughout the manor."

Colin jumped to his feet, momentarily staring his friend. "What? Oh my God! What if he finds out?! What if he already knows!? Oh my God Dami, I'm going to be killed by Mr. Batman! He'll say I corrupted you! You're the youngest in the whole family! They'll say I corrupted the baby! Even though, I mean technically if anyone was corrupting anyone we all know it would definitely be you corrupting me."

"Naturally. But-" Damian tried, but was cut off before he could finish the thought. 

"And your brothers! They're even scarier than your dad! I mean sure Dick looks super nice, but there was this one time when we got into a fight and didn't talk for a week. He came to see me and he can be really, really scary. Like even scarier than you scary. And one time Tim just started saying my social security number when I passed him in the hallway. And when I asked him why he said, 'just in case you ever make a wrong decision.' And what does that even mean?"

"Colin." Damian tried again. Debating the merits of sitting up. 

"And Jason... well actually Jason's always just been super nice. Which is weird right? Maybe too weird. And I know he has guns! So-"

"Colin!" Damian shouted. Mornfully dragging himself back into a sitting position so he could see his friend. 

"What?"

"I learned how to loop security footage when I was 3 and a 1/2. And father does not keep cameras in our bedrooms. Because he knows that if he ever tried Gordon would bring his entire computer system crashing down around his ears in order to preserve our privacy."

"Oh."

"Yes. We're fine."

"Oh. Ok. Thanks. You're awesome." Colin smiled, looking slightly in awe.

"I know."

There was another, much shorter silence. Which was once again broken by Colin. Sounding blessedly more calm this time around. "Dami?"

"Hmmm?"

"I'm hungry."

Damian had been inching his way back towards laying down ever since Colin's outburst. But the moment the red head finish talking his whole body jerked upright, his eyes wide as saucers. Because the second he heard the word hungry pass Colin's lips Damian suddenly, and inexplicably realized he was quite possibly the hungriest he had ever been in his entire life. And not just hungry for his usual cuisine. No he was hungry for... Damian shuddered. He was unbearably hungry for junk food. 

"Grayson has a secret stash of gummy worms, poptarts, twinkies, and several sugary cereals in a hidden compartment behind the baseboard in his closet. Which he does not think anyone knows about. And father left us money for pizza in one of the dining rooms."

Colin turned to his friend with the most nakedly ernest expression that Damian had ever seen and nearly sobbed, "I want all of those things so much right now."

"Me too Colin. Me too."

And so the hunt began.

~~~~●~~~~

Twenty minutes later found the two boys curled into the most comfortable couch in what Dick called the family room. It was not actually the family room. The manor had two of those, both near the west wing of the home. This was a study. But it was where the family tended to converge on the rare occasion that they were all home. So Damian supposed there wasn't much of a reason to argue the point. 

Their haul of goodies were spread out in front of them like a decadent feast across the coffee table. They had given up on the pizza after they realized neither could remember which dining room the pizza money was hiding in. And the idea of ignoring the food they already had to hunt for it felt borderline painful. They had however, been lucky enough to discover two bags of small pretzels hidden on top of the fridge. And, at Damian's insistence, the pair also took five oranges from the pantry.

Damian passed on the gummy worms because he knew what was inside them. Instead reaching for a twinkie after several seconds of careful consideration. He wasn't sure what was in a twinkie, and if he was subjecting his body to this he'd rather do so with ability to claim ignorance later.

"Those have cream in the center." Colin warns, stopping Damian's hand before he can take his first bite. 

"I'm aware?"

"I thought you didn't eat dairy."

Damian huffs. Annoyed by his friend's interruption and a touched by his care in equal measure. "T-t I'm a vegetarian not a vegan Colin. And besides, I doubt very much that there is any actual dairy in this garbage. This," he squeezed the unnaturally yellow cake in his hand for emphasis, "is all just chemicals."

Colin only smiled dopily in response. "I'm glad. I didn't want you to miss out, but I also didn't want you to feel bad later."

Damian blushes, shoving the first bite of the trash food into his mouth to cover it. And immediately moaned. Because this, this was bliss. Nothing he had ever eaten in his entire life had ever tasted like this. And to think, the first time he had ever tried this, at Grayson's insistence, he'd called them clotingly sweet lumps of styrofoam. He understood now. He understood.

"Colin. Colin taste this!" He hissed excitedly. Doing his best to shove the bitten twinkie into his friend's mouth. 

"What? No! Germs Dames!" Colin laughed dodging away from the cake. 

"It's fine. Just," Damian chuckled. Jumping towards his resisting friend, "just eat it."

"No!" Colin squealed.

The whole thing quickly devolved in to a short chase and playful wrestling match. Damian was, of course, the inevitable victor. Pinning his friend to the ground and shoving the now partially destroyed twinkie into his face. Unrepentantly smearing cream and yellow sponge all over him until Colin finally gave in and took a bite. And moaned just as loudly as Damian had. 

"Oh my God!"

"T-t I did try to tell you."

"I know, but oh my God!"

They smiled at each other for a second before the whole thing really hit Colin. His friend was smiling. Not just smirking. Really smiling. There was none of the usual mockery or viciousness behind it. It just looked, happy. This, colin decided, had been a very good idea. Even if he did sort of feel like someone was watching him.

"Hey did Dick have any of the fancy ones?" Colin asked quickly, doing his best to shake off the creeping paranoia before it could realy take hold of him again.

"Fancy?" Damian asked back. 

"You know, the fancy twinkies?"

"I can say with absolute certainty that there is no world in which any twinkie could ever be considered... fancy."

Colin looked at the expensive grandeur in every corner of the room they had settled into for a second and shrugged, "I guess not to you." He sighed before getting back to the subject at hand. "But like, there are different ones. Like there's this raspberry one that's kinda pink and covered in coconut. Or the chocolate dipped ones! Oh my God how good would a chocolate covered twinkie be right now Dami?" 

"No," he stated slowly. The red head knew him well enough to realize it meant he was starting to have an idea, "we don't have anything like that at the manor... but..." Yep, Colin thought, there it is. "We did have a Valentine's day gala last month." Damian continued.

"And?"

"And Pennyworth bought a chocolate fountain for the event. It's in the front hallway closet." Damian smiled, looking incredibly pleased with himself.

"You're a fucking genius."

"I know."


	4. In The Closet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A wild big brother appears. Damian and Colin immediately and spectacularly fail to act natural. And the munchies are still hitting Dames hard.
> 
> There was supposed to be more to this chapter and i had different plans for how this was supposed to go. But i wrote this instead and it was kind of too much fun not to post immediately.
> 
> Absolute, unadulterated silliness. That's all this is.

Dick had a spring in his step as he strolled through the manor's front door. It had been a long time since the kids had the manor to themselves without B brooding nearby. And longer still since it happened while he had time off work and no pressing vigilante business. It's like the universe itself had aligned to fit his plans. And Dick was going to take full advantage. He was going to enjoy so much fucking sibling bonding this weekend. Sure, he would have to blackmail some of them, maybe tie a couple to chairs. But it was happening.

He pushed the heavy front door open and slid into the entrance hallway half expecting to be greeted by the sounds of a fist fight. Timmy and Little D were home alone after all. They'd gotten better as the two of them grew up, and Dick was proud, but well... they were still Timmy and Little D. But the house was silent. Which, well. It was a roll of the dice really. But Dick was an optimist and the universe had been doing right by him so far, so he was going to go ahead and assume the silence was a good sign. He took another step forward his smile widening .....when he heard a short scuffling noise and a sudden door slamming from somewhere further down the hallway. 

Ok, so maybe the silence wasn't good news. With a sigh Dick marched down the hallway towards the noise, carefully inspecting the house for any sign of a struggle. Nothing so far but that too could mean all sorts of different things.

He turned the corner and froze. There was a fountain in the center of the hallway effectively blocking his path forward. 

"What the fuck?"

The man stared at it for a second. Willing it to explain itself, to give him some clue towards it's inexplicable appearance. It, of course, did no such thing. So instead Dick forced himself to listen. To ignore the very big and confusing distractions in front of him. To still his body, and open his mind. It took two full minutes, but eventually Dick heard the quiet shift of a body readjusting itself and the crinkle of something thin and plastic. Followed, after a second of hesitation, by a murmuring whisper and an even quieter shushing noise. It was coming from the closet. 

~~~~●~~~~

Colin and Damian had just finished hauling the chocolate fountain out of the closet and into the hallway when Colin heard a noise at the front door. Damian was still half in the closet, busily replacing the last of the boxes an random nicknacks they'd had to pull out to reach their prize. And that meant it was up to Colin to investigate. Shit.

He caustically crept down the hallway and peaked around the corner praying to God it was just his imagination. It wasn't. He had just enough time to register seeing Damian's oldest (and most protective) brother walking into the manor before his body was moving on pure adrenaline and blind instinct. Colin dove back out of Dick's line of sight and scrambled back towards Damian. He gracelessly shoved his still oblivious friend into the closet and all but toppled over the top of him. Slamming the closet door closed as he went.

It was quiet for a second as the two boys reorganized themselves into sitting positions. "Colin?" Damian started. But his friend very quickly shushed him. With a sigh Damian tried again, lowering his voice to a whisper. "Colin?"

"Yes?" Came a very nervous reply. 

"Why are we in a closet?"

"Dick just walked in the front door."

"....Alright. But why are we in a closet?"

"Because I- panicked I guess."

"Hmmmm."

"Shut up."

The two heard loud, deliberate footsteps marching down the hallway in their direction, stopping of any potential for further conversation. They froze, both holding their breath and exchanging worried glances back and forth as their eyes adjusted to the darkness. The footsteps stopped a few feet away from their hiding spot. "What the fuck?"

'The fountain' Column mouthed. Damian nodded eyes wide. They forgot about the fountain. They were so fucked. There was no way they could just walk out of the closet now. It would look too weird. Dick would KNOW. Colin held his breath, expecting the door to fly open any second. But nothing happened.

Colin stayed on guard, convinced something was going to happen the second he lowered his defenses. But across from him Damian slowly began to relax. He watched as his friend's expression shifted from nervous to cautious. From cautious to relaxed. And relaxed to bored. And a bored Damian was never a good thing. 

Slowly Damian adjusted his position, leaning forward so that he could reach into his back pocket. Painstakingly pulling a rectangular foil packet out of his pocket and into his lap. Colin shook his head no. Damian ignored him. Seting his face into a look of deep determination. The teenager began opening the sealed packet as quietly as possible. Colin caught his eye and once again shook his head, looking more desperate this time. Damian shifted a second time so that he could better focus on removing his goal from its regrettably noisy packaging. The foil crinkled and Colin couldn't help himself, "Damian no." He hissed.

Damian shushed him, glancing back at the door with a look of concern. But the look didn't last long. Instead he smiled victoriously. He had succeeded in his mission despite his friends doubts. With a huff of pride he held up the blueberry poptart he had successfully worked out of its packaging for his friend to see before unceremoniously shoving half of it into his mouth. 

The door flew open.

~~~~●~~~~

Dick sprang forward, pulling open the closet door, ready for something to jump out at him. He wasn't really sure what he was expecting to find, but it certainly wasn't his youngest brother and his best friend crouched on the floor staring up at him with matching looks of panic. Damian had half a poptart hanging out of his mouth, which, weird. Very weird. And Colin looked ready to cry. "Uh?" Dick grunted intelligently.

The boys looked up at him, then to each other, then back up to him. And then very slowly, poptart still hanging from his lips, Damian leaned forward and grabbed the other side of the doorknob. Very, very slowly pulling the closet door back closed. Carefully maintaining direct, unblinking eye contact with Dick through the narrowing crack in the door until the very last second. 

The door settled back into place with a soft click. "What the fuck you guys?" Was all he could think to say.


	5. The Giggles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm alive! Sorry for the ridiculous wait. I've had a lot of life stuff you know? My right arm is sort of paralized now. Not like all the way or anything, but more than it was to begin with. I'm fine! It's a degenerative nerve thing. But it does make writing...more of a challenge I guess. I can't promise I'll update with any regularity at all, but i can promise that i haven't abandoned writing this!
> 
> Huge, gigantic, never ending thanks to everyone who kept commenting! You guys really motivated me to keep going.
> 
> This chapter is pretty short. I intended to add a lot more to it but well.... I hit a wall 🤷 I promise i will let the stoned boys out of the closet next chapter.

The door slid closed with a soft click and Damian had to focus very hard in order to suppress a chuckle at Grayson's muffled and deeply baffled, "What the fuck you guys?"

He took a deep breath to compose himself before turning to Colin. This was a serious situation and they needed to regroup. Colin was laughing. Fuck.

"Stop it. This is serious!" Damian wheezed. Nearly dropping his hard won poptart.

"I can't! I'm sorry it's just... His face! Did you see his face? And the poptart and...I can't!"

"Control yourself! We have things to discuss."

"You stop laughing then!"

Damian tried, he really did. But well, "I can't." To his great displeasure, he was nearly giggling. "Grayson's face was...quite idiotic." He admitted by way of explanation. "And besides, you're laughing. And I can't... It is making me laugh."

"You know I can hear you right?" Dick sighed from the other side of the door. Trying, but failing miserably, to sound like an annoyed grown up instead of a deeply amused big brother. "And my face isn't idiotic."

His comment incited another wave of happy giggles from inside the closet. "Lying doesn't become you Grayson." Damian yelled cheerily from the other side of the door.

"Can I come into the closet too?"

That sobered the teenages up immediatly. The two stopped laughing and yelled, "No!" in near perfect unison.

"We have important matters to discuss." Damian added, settling back into his usual haughty tone.

"....In the closet?"

"Yes."

"Look, Dames, if this is your attempt at some sort of metaphor you know we all love you no matter what right? I don't care who you lo-"

"Grayson?"

"Yeah?"

"Shut the fuck up."

Dick tried to be offended, he really did. But he just couldn't find it in himself to be anything other than ecstatic. Because His kid was acting like, well, a kid. The angry, violent, SAD little nine year old Dick had first fallen in love with was growing up. He was turning into someone so, so amazing. Someone who could let himself be happy and silly. Who felt safe enough to let others see it. Dick knew he should probably be annoyed. At least reprimand him for his language. God knows B would be pretty exasperated loitering outside a suspicious hallway closet full of teenage boys. But he just couldn't. He couldn't bring himself to be anything but proud and gleeful.

And yeah, it was sappy. And yeah, they were obviously up to something they shouldn't be. Dick wasn't stupid. Whatever this was, it was going to be a nightmare to deal with later. But that was later. Right now Dick planned on taking full advantage of his 'not technically the dad' status and, if not embrace whatever shenanigans were afoot, at least do his best to actively pretend like he didn't notice.

So, with a happy sigh Dick moved away from the door to casually leaning against the opposite wall. "Alright well, I'll be out here whenever you finish up your secret closet meeting. Don't do anything I wouldn't do in there. And remember boys, you can't go wrong when you wrap your shlong!"

"You are disgusting and I hate you!" Damian shouted, sounding both amused and scandalized while Colin chortled in the background.

"Love you too little D!"

~~~~¤~~~~

"Your family is kind of amazing." Colin smiled, wiping a happy tear off of his cheek.

"Only in terms of their ineptitude." Damian responded, sounding suspiciously fond.

"If you say so. So… how fucked are we right now?"


End file.
